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| I lose sleep on a regular basis. During the day when I am wide awake, I distract myself with meaningless, inconsequential things like online social networks (facebook, gmail, AIM, etc.), video games, school, and shallow relationships. And if by nightfall I am still wide awake, I further squander my hours going to nightclubs and dating (ie shallow relationships). I mean, occasionally I'll do things that actually matter, like calling my parents to say 'hello' or spending time with a true friend or using the bathroom. But when all is said and done, I enter the realm of sleepy-time and the distraction filter I cloud myself with in the day is gone, and I begin to ponder and think.
It's very natural to lose yourself to thoughts when you're alone at night, resting peacefully in bed. But quite often when I think deep philosophical, anxious, and melancholy thoughts I don't just lose myself to them, I become enslaved. Unlike the comforting thoughts of scenic waterfalls and fun family gatherings, these thoughts of civil warfare, of starving children, of my parents working 90-hour weeks, and of my own potential failures don't allow me to slip easily into a smooth zen-like slumber. How can I be content with my hedonistic lifestyle when tens of thousands of innocent people die daily, I ponder. Why am I allowing myself to pursue relationships with girls I don't care about, I ask myself. What is the meaning of life? Am I really confident that I can get that 200k/year salary straight out of law school? And this rush of thoughts and internal conflicts persists for what seems like (and sometimes is) hours until either they are resolved or my body reaches that threshold of tiredness and simply falls asleep.
This past month has given me more of these sleepless nights, but what is different now than in years past is that I feel that I am on the brink of overcoming this phase. I am on the verge of maturing past this youthful wistfulness and soul-seeking. In the next year, I will make or break my prospective career in law or medicine. I will have ascertained what philanthropic deeds I can pursue based off my time and income. I will be able to sit down with my parents and pour out my heart to them having become a truly independent individual. And then I will hopefully marry and have kids and live happily ever after!
But for now I supposed it's time for me to retract myself from being a social butterfly into a cocoon so that I can metamorphasize into a book worm (book caterpillar?). | | |
| Hi! I'm at college! Well..I have been for a while now actually. As a matter of fact, I actually have finals soon and then I've finished my freshman year! As a matter of actual fact, the factual actuality of me having gone through a year of college has made me wiser and full of things to write about and say! Actual fact!
But I am still deeply searching my soul. I am still exploring my passions for life and the reasons I live it. I am still cementing my principles. Well, that's a lie actually; I'm pretty stalwart when it comes to what I think is right and wrong and I just have a few kinks to work out before I can happily pursue the rest of my life.
I'll come back to write about all the wonderful (and not-so-wonderful) things from my first-year experience at college and in Manhattan. I just wanted to check in and declare that I'm not dead to all my xanga subscribers...I'm back to haunt your subscriptions page again and I can see your reactions already - 'hp...aysfee?..Who is this guy? How'd he get on my subscriptions list? WTF?!?', 'Oh no not this guy again..'. Anyway, I'm going to bed now. Good night all you xanga peoples! (I like how I'm writing like I have a huge audience. It makes me feel important ^ _ ^ )
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| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQ2ZDW0L5eM | | |
| This is for my bro John and Michelle and Andrew and CJ and Dustin and whoever else that might read this while I'm at college:
Since I probably won't see you guys until Christmas, give me a call
from time to time! Keep in touch! And if I don't pick up leave a
message. Call me if John does something smart or if one of Michelle's
Michelle stories are actually worth remembering. John, call me if you
do well in school. Michelle, call me if you become friends with a hot
girl who is 16+. Andrew call me if you win the lottery and are finally
able to pay me back. And Michelle, since you signed off on me as I was
IMing you, therefore making me write this:
Do NOT contact me:
1. to ask for piggyback rides
2. to ask me to get you into clubs
3. to talk about boys
4. to remind me how you own me at basketball
I'd make this longer but I have to start packing. Bye~
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